Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Avoid the number 25 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. The number 77 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.