Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 95 feet, but no more than a mile. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Charles Everett Koop will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.