Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th April 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A red car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 29 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You are not Neil Diamond, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.