Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th April 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as Charlie Brown. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Sigmund Freud a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.