Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th April 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.