Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th December 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Gandhi then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.