Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th December 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles William Shakespeare a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.