Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th December 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 70 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ross Perot and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Valerie Harper and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might
be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.