Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 16 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 39. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 53 feet, but no more than a mile. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You are not W.C.Fields, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 98 feet, but no more than a mile. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. On Thursday, the color black, the number 47 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. On Thursday, the number 27 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid the number 88 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 74 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 86 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 70, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Nathaniel Hawthorne will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A man connected with the number 78 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 61. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something about the number 46 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Harrison Ford. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 10 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Dan Rather, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Saturday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Friday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Mother Teresa at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you General Norman Schwarzkopf in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 75, the color white and someone who has a connection to Elizabeth Dole will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Eddie Murphy a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Lewis Carrol and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You are not Pelé, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Susan B. Anthony in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A man connected with the number 89 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Frank Lloyd Wright and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A pretty young woman connected to the number 80 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Helen Keller driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 76 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. The number 29 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 88. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd September 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 77 feet, but no more than a mile. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 21, the color black and someone who has a connection to Mitt Romney will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A man connected with the number 0 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Helen Keller then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Weird Al Yankovick at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th September 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A man connected with the number 20 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A purple car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th September 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as William Shakespeare. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Steve Martin, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A man connected with the number 78 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Jane Austen and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You have dandruff, do something about it! Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A red car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.