Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th January 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Newt Gingrich, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st January 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 43 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 98 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Alexander Graham Bell, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 53. The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 82, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th January 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. The number 55 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. On Thursday, the number 55 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 99 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 8 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th January 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Friday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jimmy Conners driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.