When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Friday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jimmy Conners driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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