People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. The number 55 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. On Thursday, the number 55 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A man connected with the number 99 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 8 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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