Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Newt Gingrich, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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