Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th March 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A pretty young woman connected to the number 70 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charlie Brown. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Alexander Graham Bell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 64, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning March 18th 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The number 72 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 37 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning March 11th 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 85. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th March 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. On Tuesday, the color white, the number 62 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. On Sunday, the number 45 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Try relaxing on Saturday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.