Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th April 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Mae West will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The number 14 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Something about the number 3 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 20, the color black and someone who has a connection to Charles Yeager will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Thursday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd April 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th April 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Billy Crystal and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 99 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something about the number 49 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The number 33 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Michael J. Jordan in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th April 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Elvis Presley will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. The number 22 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. On Monday night you will dream of being Spider Man. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A man connected with the number 95 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Herman Cain a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st April 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 74 feet, but no more than a mile. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 80 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. On Sunday, the color orange, the number 86 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Julia Child. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.