Sunday, April 14, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th April 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Billy Crystal and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 99 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something about the number 49 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The number 33 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Michael J. Jordan in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.


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