There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Mae West will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 14 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Something about the number 3 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 20, the color black and someone who has a connection to Charles Yeager will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Thursday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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