Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 74 feet, but no more than a mile. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 80 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. On Sunday, the color orange, the number 86 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Julia Child. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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