Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. On Thursday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Arthur Ashe. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Leonardo Da Vinci then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. The number 16 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th June 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

On Saturday, the number 81 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th June 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as W.C.Fields. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Wednesday night you will dream of being John F. Kennedy, Jr.. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th June 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? On Saturday, the color pink, the number 43 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Avoid the number 63 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.