Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th May 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Saturday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Oprah Winfrey, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. On Tuesday, the color blue, the number 0 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 65 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Ross Perot driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.