Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th May 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Benny Goodman. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Herman Cain and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Alfred Hitchcock, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 15 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as Michelle Bachman. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. On Tuesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.