Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th May 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Should you wear pink on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.