Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A pretty young woman connected to the number 8 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Lewis Carrol, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Tuesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.