Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The number 79 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Helen Keller and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Tom Brokaw in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.