Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. On Thursday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Spider Man driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 83 feet, but no more than a mile. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Susan B. Anthony then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 95 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.