Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th January 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 71 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as James Taylor and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Paul Harvey will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.