Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th January 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.