Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th January 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 7 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Thomas Jefferson at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.