Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Miles Davis. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 86. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Carl Sagan, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 46, the color white and someone who has a connection to Bob Dylan will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If you see anybody this week who looks like Spider Man, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A man connected with the number 87 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.