Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th May 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Henri Mancini. Does this matter? Only time will tell. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.