Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th May 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Should you wear yellow on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mary Tyler Moore, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Dan Rather then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 37, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 43 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.