Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th July 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Wednesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Lucille Ball. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear yellow on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! The number 59 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Ben Franklin then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Bob Hope, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.