Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th July 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Terry Bradshaw, A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Norman Rockwell a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.