Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th July 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 35 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 2, the color red and someone who has a connection to Hank Aaron will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you wear orange on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Mozart will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.