The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.
The Slug
July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. The number 56 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
The number 64 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th August 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Plato, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Roy Rogers, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 80 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Plato, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Roy Rogers, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 80 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th August 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Avoid the number 12 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Harry Houdini. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Avoid the number 12 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Harry Houdini. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th August 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A man connected with the number 27 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your week will become focused around Thursday, when the the number 22, the color green and someone who has a connection to Louis Pasteur will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Julia Child, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You are not W.C.Fields, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Friday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Tuesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A man connected with the number 27 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your week will become focused around Thursday, when the the number 22, the color green and someone who has a connection to Louis Pasteur will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Julia Child, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You are not W.C.Fields, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Friday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Tuesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Friday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 27 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like William Shakespeare driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Friday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 27 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like William Shakespeare driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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