Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th August 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A man connected with the number 27 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your week will become focused around Thursday, when the the number 22, the color green and someone who has a connection to Louis Pasteur will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Julia Child, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You are not W.C.Fields, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Friday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Tuesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.