Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Friday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 27 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like William Shakespeare driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.