The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug
July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Thursday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear purple on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
The number 26 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If you see anybody this week who looks like Julia Roberts, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Madonna a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear purple on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
The number 26 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If you see anybody this week who looks like Julia Roberts, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Madonna a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Bill Cosby, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 25 feet, but no more than a mile. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A pretty young woman connected to the number 90 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Bill Cosby, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 25 feet, but no more than a mile. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A pretty young woman connected to the number 90 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning October 5th 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like C. G. Jung, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. On Sunday night you will dream of being Peter Jennings. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Jesse Jackson at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. In a parallel universe you were born as Helen Keller. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 48 feet, but no more than a mile. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like C. G. Jung, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. On Sunday night you will dream of being Peter Jennings. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Jesse Jackson at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. In a parallel universe you were born as Helen Keller. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 48 feet, but no more than a mile. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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