Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning October 5th 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like C. G. Jung, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. On Sunday night you will dream of being Peter Jennings. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Jesse Jackson at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. In a parallel universe you were born as Helen Keller. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 48 feet, but no more than a mile. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.