Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear purple on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
The number 26 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If you see anybody this week who looks like Julia Roberts, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Madonna a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.