Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Bill Cosby, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 25 feet, but no more than a mile. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A pretty young woman connected to the number 90 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.