The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like James Taylor, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Thursday who looks at all like Mark Twain, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug
July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd February 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 7 feet, but no more than a mile. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 19 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Paul Newman, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Michael Landon. You won't know why until the following Tuesday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Terry Bradshaw driving a white car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Dr. Seuss, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 7 feet, but no more than a mile. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 19 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Paul Newman, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Michael Landon. You won't know why until the following Tuesday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Terry Bradshaw driving a white car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Dr. Seuss, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th February 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You are not Darth Vader, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Isaac Newton, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You are not Darth Vader, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Isaac Newton, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th February 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Saturday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Valerie Harper and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. On Thursday, the color green, the number 26 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
The number 86 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Michele Pfeiffer in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Saturday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Valerie Harper and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. On Thursday, the color green, the number 26 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
The number 86 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Michele Pfeiffer in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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