Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th February 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Saturday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Valerie Harper and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. On Thursday, the color green, the number 26 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
The number 86 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Michele Pfeiffer in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.