Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th February 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You are not Darth Vader, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Isaac Newton, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.