Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd February 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 7 feet, but no more than a mile. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 19 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Paul Newman, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Michael Landon. You won't know why until the following Tuesday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Terry Bradshaw driving a white car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Dr. Seuss, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.