Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st May 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 54 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.