Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th April 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You are not Michelle Bachman, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.