Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th April 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. On Saturday, the color white, the number 78 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jack Nicholson driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Michelle Bachman at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Charlie Brown, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.