Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 31 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you see anybody this week who looks like Steve Martin, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. In a parallel universe you were born as Aristotle. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.