Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like James Dean will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as Eddie Murphy. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Spider Man, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. On Monday, the number 65 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 16, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.